Rules For Dating My Daughter Athena Arlene Anand

Rule One

If you pull into my JALAN and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter Athena in front of me. You may glance at her,so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise.You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter Athena, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, cars, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter Athena safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter Athena. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I won't make you cry but surely you will DIE.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front of my hallway, waiting for my daughter Athena to appear, and more than hour goes by, do not sigh. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter Athena is putting on her makeup, a process that can take just slightly longer than painting the Mona Lisa Portrait. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like pouring some whiskey for me and entertaining me?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter Athena Arlene Anand : Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, humans within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter Athena to wear shorts, tank tops, or anything other than overalls. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies such as comedy,documentary,biography and cartoons are okay. Soccer and Basketball games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do Not Lie To Me. I might appear to be a dumb looking old man, bald, funny,jovial, smiling like I don't know anything much but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a gun, a SHOVEL, and space enough to bury your body behind the house. Do not FUCK AROUND with me.

Rule Ten

Last but not least....Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway. When my devil/hulk inside of me starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the gun as I wait for you to bring my daughter Athena home. As soon as you pull into my JALAN, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear vioce that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine, got it Amigo?!!!!!

 - by Athena Arlene Anand's Darling DAD/FATHER & PROTECTOR Pream Anand aka DJ Baby Joe Black